


Why You Don't Attend School With Your Fanbase

by RooftopRush



Series: Miraculous Crack [2]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Comedy, Crack, F/M, Humor, Incredibly exaggerated depictions of characters, Parody, Parody of Season 3 Episode "Felix.", Riff - Freeform, abuse of ladybug powers, and gorilla glue, and marinette is just a rabid fucking dog frothing at the mouth, check out this wordcount homestucks eat your heart out, child services dream case adrien agreste, diehard stan marinette, the concept of personal space is acknowledged but ignored, tikki and plagg dont get paid enough for this shit, wherin gabriel is daisy gatsby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:13:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21648856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RooftopRush/pseuds/RooftopRush
Summary: "12:47 PM, Villains log number three million: Still haven't Captured Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculous." Said Gabriel into a tape recorder. "My wife's comatose body fails to decay and neither does my superiority complex. Surely, if I just keep doing the same thing over and over again, it will eventually work!!"Nathalie steps into the room holding the clipboard she never really fucking uses. It has now been gorilla glued to her hand." You know you'll need to tell your son eventually.""Huh?"Gabriel squinted. Adrien was sitting right outside behind him, visible through the window."Your only child, sir.""WhatChild?"----Crack Parody of Season 3 Episode "Felix." Spoilers abound.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Emilie Agreste & Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth
Series: Miraculous Crack [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1487870
Comments: 13
Kudos: 76





	Why You Don't Attend School With Your Fanbase

  
  
  


Somewhere in Paris, a lone candy cane stands over his vegetable wife. "12:47 PM, Villains log number three million: Still haven’t Captured Ladybug and Chat Noir's Miraculous." Said Gabriel into a tape recorder. "My wife's comatose body fails to decay and neither does my superiority complex. Surely, if I just keep doing the same thing over and over again, it will eventually work!!”  
  
  


Nathalie steps into the room holding the clipboard she never really fucking uses. It has now been gorilla glued to her hand. [“You know you’ll need to tell your son eventually.”](https://gyazo.com/a82959aad1fe3a26e029b4adb7517f88.png) [  
](https://gyazo.com/a82959aad1fe3a26e029b4adb7517f88)

[“Huh?”](https://gyazo.com/a82959aad1fe3a26e029b4adb7517f88.png) Gabriel squinted. Adrien was sitting right outside behind him, visible through the window. 

"Your only child, sir."

["What _Child?"_](https://gyazo.com/0f129e3f3b346791fff13a6ec6e8a5dc.png)

* * *

  
  


After pointing out her boss's neglected loinsfruit, Nathalie and Gabriel watch Adrien from a window soullessly. Adrien waves towards the void and the void waves back. 

“Bet the audience will get really excited for this,” Gabriel says as he prepares to not say anything plot-relevant, but Adrien beats him to it. 

  
  


“Hey y'know, if you and Nathalie are fuckin I’m cool with it.” 

  
  
“We do not _fuck_ , Andrew.” 

  
  
“Adrien.”  
  
  


“Whatever. We engage in sexual therapy so I may remain virile for your mother.” [Gabriels forehead grows taller](https://gyazo.com/bb899fcc23fcd06341ccf87596bfcf63.png).

“I only have eyes for your mother! Nathalie is worthless to me, just like you.” Gabriel spews, and then stomps away. 

  
  


“Wow your dads an asshole.” Plagg observes, from Adriens pocket. 

  
  


“Nah he’s not an asshole. He’s just hurt and needs to take it out on someone!”

  
  


”Yeah that’s definitely not something an asshole would do.”

* * *

  
  


After convening in the main hall for the annual Mothers day family money grubbing routine, two clones walk into the Agreste manor. Adrien is severely disturbed.  
  


“Oh no!” He cries, as his mothers evil clone attempts to squeeze the air from his lungs. “The animators got lazy and duplicated the character models!”

  
  


“My god,” Gabriel steps back, sanitizing himself carefully as he does so. “It’s Disney’s Frozen all over again!”  
  


  
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!” 

“HAHA DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN ADRIEN AND FELIX FOOLED YOU HAHA YOU WERE SUCH A DUMB BITCH HAHAHEHEHEHE!” Says Aunt Omilie (however the fuck you spell that) giggling like the fake bitch she is and futher stretching the audiences already strained suspension of disbelief. 

  
  


“Yes and I'm still mad about it.” Sneered Gabriel. 

  
  


“OH BY THE WAY WHILE YOU’RE MOURNING YOUR WIFE, YOU SHOULD GIVE US BACK THE RINGS. OBVIOUSLY NOW THAT SHES DEAD YOU DON’T NEED THEM ANYMORE BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE ANY VALUE TO YOU RIGHT?" Said Aunt Omelette. 

  
  


“Think again bitch.”

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Meanwhile, on the Chaos Ship-- The Adrien Agreste Fanclub holds a meeting. Nino is being excessively Californian today, and spearheads the discussion.

"Yo dudes. Since Adrien is always hiding his inner pain about the loss of his mother and severe neglect towards his Dad,, why don’t we send him video messages to make sure he knows SOMEONE still gives a shit about him?!"

"OH MY GOD NINO THATS AMAZING. HERE LETS ALL SEND HIM GET WELL TIKTOKS." Everyone shouts all at once. 

The mere mention of Adrien then causes Marinitte to spasm convulsively. “YES- no WAIT- I cant! I don’t know what to say!” She then shoves the groups tablet into her gaping maw, before running on all fours into the ships quarters like The Rake. 

  
  


“Oh shit Tikki! Adrien is DEPRESSED about his MOM and I have a CRUSH on him!!! What should I say?!”

  
  


“Uh, you could just tell him something normal and appropriate. Like, “we’re here for you” and “well wishes” and other hallmark card fodder.” 

  
  


“You’re right. I should confess my undying love to him!!!”

  
  
_“What.”_

  
  


“THIS IS ABOUT ME NOW AND IT’S EXACTLY WHAT I SHOULD DO.”

  
  


“Jesus Christ.” Tikki sighed. Master Fu didn’t fucking pay her enough for this shit. “But what if he doesn’t feel the same way and you just add awkwardness and forced affection onto an already sad day of mourning?”

_Beep._

Too late. Marinette had already pressed record and was now screaming into the receiver.

“DEAR ADRIEN--” 

  
  


* * *

"So.... you like jazz?" Adrien tried to lighten the mood, forcing a smile. Felix was currently deathstaring him into a hole in the ground in his own room.

  
  


"I’m really sorry I didn't come to your dads funeral. My dad had me locked in the dungeon again after I scored an A- on my forgettable child test."

  
  


“Dude why don’t you like. Call child services or something.” 

  
  


“It’s only a little lashing, that's all! Hes just protective of me!”

  
  


Since trying to convince Adrien to generate anymore brain cells had proven useless again this year, Felix gave up and started stupid-zoning him instead. Immediately utilizing his mothers Fake Ass Hoe training and switching personalities in seconds. 

  
  


"Oh Adrien... poor little Adrien... Come give cousin felix a pity hug." Felix said, and opened his arms to the slower boy.

  
  


Adrien wiggled his ass and bounced on his toes in excitement before all but jumping into Felix’s arms. "Mmmmm.... pity hug...." This would be his first hug in years. 

  
  


“You still like playing that one obscure game you don’t play anymore that’s going to take you forever to find upstairs where you cant see me?”

  
  


“FUCK I LOVE PLAYING THAT GAME!”

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


After Felix had sufficiently found Adrien’s social security number, bank account and trust fund, he quickly asked to take a shower to clean Adriens soon to be orphan-filth from his body. 

  
  


“Before I water damage Adriens phone and sell it on ebay, let's look through it.”

  
  


“You have 12 new messages!” Adrien's stolen phone notified him. 

  
  


“What?” Felix squinted and opened the first one he saw. 

  
  


Nino’s grating california accent blared through Adrien’s tinny speaker- “HEY HOMIE DUDE BRO BUDDY PAL GUY HOMBRE-” and came to an immediate halt as Felix hit pause and sneered at the image. 

  
  


“Ew, people.” He said, making a face at the phone. 

  
  
As he exited the shower, Felix all but slapped the phone back into Adrien’s chest.

  
  


“Whats this?” Adrien said, opening Marinettes message and letting it play. His expression falling into a picture perfect “yikes” with each passing second. 

  
  


“Uhh..” Adrien looked around and quickly deleted all the messages, a permanent cringe etched into his features. From across the room Felix gave him another pity stare. 

  
  


Reluctantly, Adrien hit record to send a reply back to all of them. “Ohh…. geee, thanks guys! That was…. Really nice of you!! Haha, wooooww… too bad I uh, couldn’t actually see any of them because myyyy evil clone deleted them all!!! Yeah, that’s it. My evil clone! I guess you’ll just have to wait until next year to not leave me alone on my dead mom’s anniversary! Bummer right? Oh well, thanksanywaysbyeee!!” After hitting send, Adrien quickly threw his laptop out the window and into their personal fountain. 

  
  


“Wasn’t that the girl that stole your phone ten times?” Felix raised a brow. 

  
  


“Don’t fucking remind me.”

* * *

  
  
  


Meanwhile, back on Ship Liberty or whatever it’s called. All the little Chaos Monkeys gathered around the ~~tellie~~ tablet to play Adriens message. 

  
  


“His PR skills are getting worse everyday,” Luka observed.

  
  


“What are you talking about?!” Marinette yelled, enraged. “Adrien's evil clone deleted all our messages!!! How dare he do that!! We won’t stand for this!” 

  
  
Alya held out a placating hand, trying to calm her friend down. “Maybe we should just back off for the day and let him have his privacy-”

  
  


“LETS GO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM!!”

  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Two and a half minutes later, Adrien lay curled in a ball on his pristine carpeted floor, holding his head protectively as Ladybug curb stomped him into his designer furniture. Felix watched in amusement from behind a waywar chair in the corner, and made no moves to help.

“Ow! Ow! Ladybug stop, please! Ow, I swear- Felix-” Adrien coughed, several of his ribs broken.

  
  
  


“Can’t fool me mother fucker! My Adrien would never reject me like that!!!”

  
  
  


“No Ladybug it’s me, Adrien!! My evil twin Felix is hiding over there! Please stop kicking me in the dick!!”

  
  


“Nice try evil twin, but you can’t fool me. I know the REAL Adrien has a massive dong! All my fanfiction says so! I know he’s a sex god!”

  
  


“But I’m like fourteen and I’m super sheltered!! I couldn’t kiss my way out of a paper bag!!”

  
  


“THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT AN EVIL CLONE WOULD WANT ME TO BELIEVE!!” Ladybug exclaimed, and proceeded to beat the shit out of Adrien, but twice as hard. 

  
  


The End. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This one was a little harder to crank out but if you liked it lemme know in the comments. Thanks for reading!
> 
> Dumb Edit of Gabes gigantic forehead done by me.
> 
> Picture links to iconic Gatsby comics from http://www.harkavagrant.com/ which, if you haven't read them what even are you doing with your life?


End file.
